No More
by GhostAdventuresLover17
Summary: After Angel dies, Collins is having a hard time coping. Rated for mention of suicide and self harm. Characters are not mine. Song is "Like You" by Evanescence. Angel: Wilson Jermaine Heredia. Collins: Jesse L. Martin.


No More

Collins sighed and rolled over. It was the middle of the night, but he couldn't sleep. There was too much on his mind. Too many good, yet painful memories. Too much pain that he wanted to forget, but couldn't. Too much pain that he wanted to escape from… but couldn't… He sighed again and, defeated, climbed out of bed and put a flannel shirt on over his t-shirt and sweats. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes and walked over to the window of his apartment. He took one of the cigarettes, lit it, and put it in his mouth, inhaling the marijuana deeply as he looked out over the lights of New York City. A light snow was falling, the first snowfall of the year, beginning to cover the city. Collins was willing to bet that New York would be covered by a thick blanket of white by the time dawn came. But that was several hours away, and the streets and parks were still bare under the cloudy sky. Collins looked up at the cloudy sky, his heart aching. It was December 10, and his lover, Angel, had passed away only a little over a week ago. Angel had been everything that Collins had wanted, and more than what he had deserved. She had rescued him in an alley almost a year ago, no Christmas Eve, after he had been mugged and injured on his way to visit some friends. Angel had had AIDS, just like him. But she had been a very positive influence on his life, giving him the love and companionship that he had always longed for. She had fit in well with his other close friends, and they had all soon become more like a family than anything else. Angel had been very energetic and spirited, always positive and helpful, always encouraging the other to be the same. She could calm and soothe anyone, and she hated conflict. However, she could kick ass when she needed to. Angel had been gay, a drag queen, and a transgender, and she had been given lots of crap for it. But she never just lied down and took it. She defended herself, and she was damn good at it too. Collins had to smile, remembering one particular time when she had been harassed by a skin head, and she had walked right up to him and said, "I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, and I'm more of a woman than you'll ever get." The skinhead had been stunned, but he had shut his mouth after that for sure. Angel could soothe or scare you, depending on how you treated her, and how you treated the people she cared about. She defended her friends and the people she cared about, and she made no compromises on that. It was what made her such an amazing friend, as well as an amazing lover… A lump caught in Collins' throat, and tears filled his eyes as he thought of Angel. He couldn't believe that she was really gone. She had been his saving grace at a time when he had thought he had hit rock bottom. She had been his angel, come to rescue him from the bottomless pit that he had fallen into. She had loved him and shown him that, even though he had AIDS, and even though people made his life Hell, he had amazing friends who loved him, supported him, and cared about him, and who wanted him to be happy. And she had shown him what it meant to really, truly love someone with everything that he was… Collins had been the only one with Angel in the hospital when she died, and he remembered her last words to him. "Stay strong and keep our family together." Those had been her exact words, and then she had died in his arms, her mocha eyes sliding closed for the last time… Collins had tried his hardest to do what Angel had asked. He wanted to make her proud. He wanted to live the rest of his life the way that she would want him to. But it was so hard… Collins hadn't been able to keep their friends together. Fighting and tension had broken out between four of them – two sets of couples, to be exact – and everything had fallen apart… And Collins himself was slipping. He had been ever since the day of the funeral. Up until the funeral, Collins had been numb. The shock and pain of losing Angel had numbed him. But at the cemetery, when the casket had been lowered into the grave, that had ended the numbness… The enormity of it all had come crashing down on him, and the horrible truth had slammed into him like a brick wall. Angel was gone. Angel was _gone_… She was gone, and there was nothing that Collins could say or do that would ever bring her back… Collins let the cigarette slip through his fingers, going out as it hit the floor. He sank back against the wall next to the window, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. The pain he had felt since the funeral had reached a peak, and it felt more like a physical pain than an emotional one, threatening to rip his heart right out of his chest… Collins almost wished it could and would… Clutching his hand over his heart, Collins did the only thing he could think of to stop the pain. He softly began to sing, pouring out his grief to the dark, silent apartment… "Stay low. Soft, dark, and dreamless. Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness. I hate me for breathing without you… I don't want to feel anymore for you… Grieving for you. I'm not grieving for you… Nothing real love can't undo… And though I may have lost my way, all paths lead straight to you! I long to be like you. Lie cold in the ground like you… Halo. Blinding wall between us. Melt away and leave us alone again! The humming, haunted somewhere out there. I believe that love can see us through in death! I long to be like you. Lie cold in the ground like you. There's room inside for two, and I'm not grieving for you! I'm coming for you… You're not alone! No matter what they told you, you're not alone! I'll be right there, beside you forever more! I long to be like you, love. Lie cold in the ground like you do. There's room inside for two, and I'm not grieving for you! And as we lay in silent bliss, I know you remember me! I long to be like you. Lie cold in the ground like you. There's room inside for two, and I'm not grieving for you! I'm coming for you…" When the last note died on his lips, Collins knew what he had to do. There was only way to end his pain… There was only one way for him to be united with his Angel once again… Collins walked to the bathroom and turned on the light. He shut the door and opened up the white medicine cabinet that was above the sink. Moving aside several of his many bottles of pills – most of which he used to control his AIDS – he finally found what he was looking for. It was a small, white box at the back of the cabinet. Collins opened it to reveal six good-sized razors… The kind he used for shaving his beard… He set the box on the counter and pulled one out, examining it in the light. It was sharp. Just what Collins had had in mind… Suddenly, as clear as day, Collins heard Angel's voice in the back of his head. "Thomas Collins don't you dare! Put that razor away right now and go back to bed! Things'll look better in the morning! They always do!" "I'm sorry Angel…" Collins whispered, fresh tears gathering in his eyes as he set the razor down on the tiled floor and then heavily sat down next to it. Angel's voice continued talking to him, first scolding and then finally pleading desperately as Collins rolled up the sleeves of his flannel shirt… "Collins, baby, please! It doesn't have to be like this! Please! Baby, please listen to me! I love you, and I want you to live out as much of your life as you can! Please, please, please…" "I'm sorry Angel…" Collins whispered again. "I really am. But I can't do this anymore… I can't go on without you…" He picked up the razor in his left hand as he turned over his right arm, exposing his central vein, as Angel kept up her pleading, now sounding like she was crying… "Collins don't do this. You have so much left to live for. It isn't worth it. Please baby. Please. Please. Please…" "I'm sorry Angel." Collins whispered one more time, fresh tears rolling down his face as he slit open the central vein of his right arm… White-hot pain shot through his entire body as red blood sprayed everywhere, flowing out of his arm, covering the floor and soaking his clothes… Collins, feeling suddenly weak, dropped the razor and slumped back against the wall. He was panting, and his vision was already going fuzzy. He knew this would be a quick end, and that was what he wanted. No more pain. No more suffering. No more grief. No more having to live without his sweet, beautiful Angel… A ringing started in his ears, blocking out most of what Angel was saying, even though she was now screaming, nearly hysterical… "Collins no! No! Please! Oh God… No… NO!" "I'm sorry Angel…" Collins whispered one last time. "I love you, and I'm so, so sorry…" Then everything went black…


End file.
